Slight wetness on ma hand woke me up from the sleep, I hadn’t been sleeping for long and it had been ages since I slept peacefully. Within a second I knew what made an end to my sleep, as usual my 13 year old son Vishnu was sitting on ma stomach n playing with his toy gun pointed directly across my face, he had peed on my stomach. As I changed his dress , I thought my son was different from all the children of the same age, teachers told me that he doesn’t know to add even after they spending almost months with him, his friends told me that he doesn’t talks with anyone and just sits in the corner smiling, but what made me understand that my child was different from others was when I took him to consult with the doctor on my friends insistence .the doctor told me my son was suffering from mental disorder which meant he had problem in reading n learning skills, it left me with a second cardiac arrest, 8 years after the first one I had. The first one I had was when I came to know that gita my wife left me handing me my son Vishnu, it was an irreplaceable loss in my life , and there after I lived for my son, now when I know he wont be able to fulfill my dreams of becoming a successful man in life and the fear of my son going to live alone with no one to support him around was too much of a fear I had to suppress. “son next time u need to go to bathroom u should tell me ok??” he nodded with the beautiful smile of his, it meant one thing” papa u know how badly I want to tell u,but it doesn’t comes to my mind “I wondered why god was so cruel to me?? Will I be able to die peacefully leaving him behind to some faithful hands? Will the god be so kind enough to grand him the final wish of mine?. Vishnu was now back to his games of building bricks and he in between was staring at me n smiling, it was for this smile, I loved him. I know he loved me n I loved him too, but the time has come to find a place for him to live, since I knew my body is not co-operating with me as I wanted I can’t imagine him to be in the streets begging for his bread. The thought of a second marriage had never occurred to me until when I realized that I alone wouldn’t be able to bring him up, so I decided to marry again for him, even though I was sure no one will be able to fill in the space which my gita had left. But it din take me so long to found out that my decision to remarry again was a wrong one, as the women’s parent had only one demand to make- to abandon my son!!.I don understand why the people were looking up on my child as something ugly to touch or even to look at, I wish the world changed, this child of me and millions of children like him are also human just like u n me, but the only defect being he is not able to think like us, how badly I wished I could shout this into everyone’s ears. it was around 8 and it was the time for breakfast for my son. its not because I din knew it but I din have anything left in my kitchen to prepare for him. The last amount of money which I received when I was thrown out of the factory I was working had been finished, now the only thing which I owns in this world is my house, which me n gita build, with lot of hopes but none of them have become true, and I knew selling the house was the hardest decision he had to make in the past one week to make his sons life secure.
As I walked through the evening rush on the city my legs were trying hard to keep in pace with my mind which as always was being concerned about my son being alone in my house, I never leave him alone at home but these days I was forced to leave him alone since I wanted his future to be as safe as ever. My sister whom I had loved so much was never even interested in letting me into her house, since she knew what I had in my mind. As soon as I entered her house she was really kind enough to offer me a seat and asked me to wait till she got me a tea. Her husband put down the news paper and looked straight into my eyes, it meant only one thing (what the fuck do u want from us?). He was not at all interested in starting a conversation with me as his eyes looked at me with anger n frustration. Since I couldn’t resist the silence any further I tried talking with him.
I asked “how is everyone”?? “Where is kiran”?? Kiran was his son he was the same age as my son, the only thing which differentiated him from my son was he was normal child and responded to everything as a child of his age does.
My brother in law twisted and turned in his chair n was not interested in joining the conversation with me still for the sake of replying he replied to me;
“He has gone to school, he is doing well”
It was only then I realized that it was Monday and all children do go to the school, since they were not like my son Vishnu. It left me huge pain in my heart, I din feel like continuing the conversation. It was then my sister came with the tea.
“How is Vishnu?” my sister asked handing me over the cup of tea she ha just brought looking straight into my eyes .her looks in the eyes said she already knew what my answer was.
“He is getting along nicely; he has now learnt to put on his dress with out any body’s help, I am looking forward to sent him to a school meant for children of his type, but the fees is a matter of concern” I replied to my sister while sipping the tea.
Not only for those types of schools everywhere it is the same situation, u know how much v are paying for kiran’s school fees? It doesn’t end there his tuition fees, bus fees everything eats his salary up said my sister giving a sad helpless smile into her husbands face. But I could see her smile behind those eyes which I have been very familiar since her birth, the brightness in her eyes only meant one thing she knew she had won over me in that situation, since by what she told just now she clearly indicated that they din have any money nor they were interested to help me if I were about to ask some money from them, I sipped some more tea from the glass looking onto the floor and enjoying the work on the carpet. Her husband continued for her “add to it the increasing petrol fare, current.. Everything is rising except our salaries is going up” giving me a stern look, which gave me an impression that I was responsible for the entire hike happening in this world. As I finished my tea and placed the cup on the table I thought I should come to the matter straight n leave the place as early as possible.
“As u know (I started with trembling words I don’t know why I was stammering and finding difficult to get the words out of my mind still I carried on, because I din think I never will have chance to explain myself to them ever again) I still haven’t recovered well from the two attacks I have had till now in my life and my body is not coping up with me due to work load I have had in my factory, I don’t think I will be able to carry myself any more, although I am not afraid to die( I noticed that they were not at all bothered about what I was speaking and they looked each other n gave me an impression that they were waiting for me to speak al this) what concerns me at this point of time is my son’s future, as u know god hasn’t been so kind enough on me as he is on you people nor he is on my son, I am sure my son won’t be able to live on his own, hence I am desperate to secure his life”
My sister interrupted me sharply:” what do you want from us”? I knew she was not interested in prolonging this conversation.
I said” it will be a great service if u could take pain in looking my son if something bad happens to me”
This time it was her husband who interrupted, before he spoke I knew my conversation with them was over.” V know your life is going through a difficult path (“I was amazed by his sudden calmness and composure of sound he had derived, really wondered how people could do this leaving the listener with no choice other than to accept”) v wish very badly that v could help u in some or other way , but you should also be kind enough to know what v r going through do u think your son will be able to adjust with us? I don’t think he will be able to, n my salary will not be sufficient to support another member as of now u know your sister is planning to go to a part time job to support us , so I guess v would not be able to help u n more over your son will be happy that he is not living with someone who is not taking care of him n we will not have the feeling that v r not looking after your son properly” he said this n gave a pause and looked at me and my sister. It had the answer and it meant it was my time to take the leave too; my sister picked up the empty glasses and placed on the tray and took her leave to the kitchen. I slowly rose from my sweet my brother in law reached for another sheet of paper n got immersed into it and I slowly took my walk towards the door.
When I opened the door of my house I was not astonished to find the broken toys and plates lying on the floor, it was this way how my son fought loneliness, so usually don’t get angry. I walked towards his room I found him sleeping alongside his favorite toys. A tiny drop of tear rolled down from my left eye as I adjusted his sheet. As I walked back my attention was caught by an advertisement on the paper which was lying alongside the broken toys. I picked it up and read as carefully as I could, when I finished reading it I felt there was some hope for my son, I switched off the lights and walked towards my bed making clear plans what to do tomorrow, and the first thing I will be doing is to meet my old friend Alexander Mathews.
I knocked on the door for the second time in 5 minutes and waited anxiously for Alex to come and open, I knew it will take some time before the door was opened, coz Alex was living alone and he had lost one of his legs in the battle, he was living alone in this house and all his children were married and living alone and none paid any attention to my friend in a way v all shared almost same grief. When I was worried no one was there to look after my son, Alex was suffering mentally that none of his 3 children or his daughter in laws were there to look after him in his dying days, it was this grief that made a strong bond between us; but there was something which differentiated me from my friend the years he had spent in the army had made him mentally very strong, n my mental state was no were near him. It was for this reason I usually came running towards him he was the person who helped me in making my decisions, I admired him for his brilliance and decision making abilities. I was still staring at the door when it was opened slowly than usual, “oh my friend how are u? I thought u were dead, haven’t seen u for ages” Alex said hugging me closely , I could feel he had grown paler than usual, I could feel his ribs and bones when he clutched me tightly it was this way he showed his love to everyone.
“Come on let’s move to my room which drink should I fix for u to celebrate our long lasting friendship”? He asked guiding me into his room. As I walked across the hall way I noticed the empty bottles lying on the floor, I could understand he has been drinking heavily for quite some time from the remains lying here and there. I entered into his room following him, I could c the room was no better, now in addition to the liquor bottles there was plenty of empty cigarette packets too. He offered me the chair and he took the chair rite opposite to me. He spoke to me as he took a new cigarette from the packet and placed the packet on the table.
“What makes u bring to me man”? He lit the cigarette and continued, I should believe you are in some sort of serious trouble u look worried to me, what’s the matter he spoke casually.
“Yes I am confused about something, I am not able to make a decision that’s y I came for u, u will have to help me like u never did” I said there was nothing to hide from me which helped me to get into the topic very fast. Alex was still immersed in his pleasure of smoking though I know he was lending his ears sharply to what I was saying.
“It has always been a privilege for me to help u! Say how should I help u tell me go ahead”.
“As u know doctors have been telling me that I won’t be able to carry my body for many more months, which means my death, is around the corner”.
“Hey does that mean I have to save u from death”? He interrupted and was laughing as if he had said a huge joke, on any other day I would have laughed with him but today I did not feel like joining him.
I continued “U would know all these years what I have been living for and what made me live”?
My friend did not say anything in reply and I could c he was listening to me with more care now, I know he understood that I was really serious in what I was saying and it meant serious attention.
“My son it was for him I pulled along myself hard besides getting face to face with death couple of times but now I realize I won’t be able to pull myself any further, I want his life to be secure, I don’t want him to be in the streets begging for his bread, I went to my sister requesting her help but it was my luck that she did not kick me out of her house, I know no one would be looking after a mentally retarded child for free, but I am sure she will look after my child if I have something in bank for him” I stopped and wished he said something .
“I don’t think your family will look after your child even if you give them money, in fact it will be a great mistake if u do like that I am sure they will take the money and leave the boy in the street to die”. What he told took me a like a shot I had never given a thought like that before.
“But I don’t think you will have to worry about that, I don’t think you will have much left in your bank account to spend on your child, I don’t think your company paid you so well man”. He said rising from the chair and moving across the window to throw the finished cigarette.
“I knew you would say this but I have found out a way for that” I replied him. For the first time since I met him today his face was lit up and was waiting for me to continue which I din.
“How”? He asked coming closer to my chair.
I knew my visit to his home for today have been finished so I told him “That I will be telling u once my plan has worked out “,his face suddenly went gloom.
“ I don’t know what u have in your mind, but the best thing u can do to your child is to get him into some good orphanages in the city if u want I shall get u some good contacts of people running those institutions” he said walking with me to the front door.
“Yes I know it is the best thing I will be coming to you again once the money part is fixed “I said getting out of the house.
“You are always welcome here mate” He said waving his hand and closing the door slowly as he had opened it.
I was left in the crowded street, the traffic was heavier than usual, I waited for the vehicles to pass over and crossed the road and went straight to the auto stand. I went to the one which was in the front and the pale looking auto driver folding the magazine he was reading asked me were to go.
Ashwini hospital I replied.
He nodded in acknowledgement and I got in, my mind was racing fast, and heart was beating so fast I thought even the driver could hear it.
I payed him what he asked and walked to the hospital and enquired in the reception where was MR.radhakrishnan admitted to.
The lady inside the cabin scrolled in the computer for quite some time and told he is in room no 215on the second floor. I gave her thanks and started walking to room no 215.
I thought room no 215 was little different from the rooms which I saw along the corridor. It was well furnished and had a nice cooling system; it did not look like a hospital room for me. May be I never knew rooms like this were also there in hospitals, a spiritual program was running on the television where swami bhavyananda was speaking how to control anger. I thought how people changed their mind to spirituality once they were admitted to the hospital, till that time they will be saying that god doesn’t exist. I was wondering why the bed and the room was empty just then the toilet door flung open and a man of around 40-45 years of age came out of it. He looked tired and one could read from his face that his tiredness was due to the mental tension he is facing rather than any physical damages his body has.
He walked to his bed with great difficulty and sat there. He then turned to me curiously and asked” I am sorry but I did not understand who u r “.
I took a step closer to him and smiled” We are seeing each other for the first time “.
By the look on his face I knew his curiosity was only building up.
“How can I help u”? He asked me with outmost respect.
I am not here to receive any help from u, but I am here so that I can help u. I knew he was not at all digesting what I was saying so I thought to come to the matter very fast.
“I happened to c the advertisement u gave in the news paper asking about a kidney needed for your kidney transplantation, I am here to give u my kidney”.
My words came as surprise to him and it made him happier.
“Really I was getting worried when no one turned up so far, I am really grateful to u tell me how much money do u want”?. He asked his sound filled with joy.
I looked down and stared I didn’t know what to say becoz I was not here to give my kidney and take the cash, my intentions was different. Sensing my sudden disappointment he asked” Don’t be shy tell me how much do you want? I will make sure u get that before u leave today “.
I looked up on into his eyes and told him my story, all about my son after telling him I paused for a moment.”What I need from u in return is u will have to just look after my kid, it doesn’t mean that u will have to run behind him, u just have to give him a room in your house just give the food on time that’s all I don’t ask u much more than that from u”. I stopped and rubbed the tears of my face I was astonished to find he was also doing the same.
I could feel this man was a real human being.
He said “Don’t worry I will make sure your child will be safe, I know the pain you are going through now coz I myself is now struggling to get over from the loss of my two children and my wife. I lost them 2 years ago in a car accident. There are many things which money can’t buy us in this world. As of now u go and visit my doc he will be there in the end of the corridor. I again promise u your child will be safe.
I couldn’t believe what I just heard from him I wanted to cry in joy, but I decided to go and visit the doctor first. I left the room thanking him as much as I could and headed for the doctor’s room. I found with not much difficulty and the doctor was there in his room, he was busy answering his phone so I choose to wait till he was done. But he saw me and asked me to get in and have seat through gestures. I could c he was a man in his early 30’s. His table was scattered with lot of x-ray’s surgical equipments. I was enjoying the beauty of the skull placed on his table when his voice pulled me out from the world I was in.
“How could I help u”? He asked. I told him what made me bring here, what I was going to do, and how I was going to be benefited from him. What amazed me was that no tears rolled down from my eyes now when I told about my son, it was the first time in my life. The doc just smiled and asked me for my medical records which I had brought along, as I knew there will be a fitness check up before u give away your kidney. I handed him my file.
He took his spectacles from the table and started reading through my report as I waited in my chair anxiously. Minutes passed and he was immersed in my report occasionally he gave glance at me, I felt as if he was sympathizing with me.
“I am sorry but your kidney can’t be accepted “. Doctor said closing my report and handing it across to me.
I felt a huge pain running across all over my body I never felt so much pain.
“Your body is not in a good state and I am afraid your kidney also, the receptor will also be affected if he takes his kidney so I am sorry we can’t go ahead with this”.
I did not know what to say. But he continued” Since you are worried about your son I will introduce u to a man who is running orphanages in the town. He is in the children’s ward now getting his in mates treated if u wait here I will ask him to meet u here”.
I was wondering what I should say, I still couldn’t believe my short dream was broken.
He said to wait here and he left.
I did not know how much time had gone by, but I was woken up by a tap on my shoulder I looked up and saw a man in early 50’s standing in front of me, he was neatly dressed, it took me sometime to understand that he was the man doctor was saying to me some time earlier.
“Doc told me u were a person whom I should be meeting, he told u were speaking about a child” he said staring into me sounding really urgent.
I told him about my son and asked him whether his institution will look after my child after my death, for some reason he looked like mysterious person to me.
“doctor did not tell me this was the case if it was this I wouldn’t have wasted both of our prestigious time he said sounding little angry.
“ my institution is meant entirely for the children who don’t have anyone in the world from what u told me about you your child has got many relatives if I take his responsibility ,what if one fine Sunday morning your relatives come with a case against me I am sorry I don’t want to land in any more trouble saying this he walked out of the room.
I also decided to leave my room as there was no use sitting there. I wished I died in this instant, because I was fed up of everything.
I entered room no 215 to say him that I will not be able to help him in any way. By the look he was having on his face I knew the doctor already told him about the situation, before I spoke he spoke to me in a sad voice” life won’t always go in the direction what we want in our case it never went our way, any how v have to accept our destiny . Here is card of my friend who is running an institution for the specially challenged children I have spoken with him about your son’s case, believe me he has agreed to help, jus call him as soon as u can”. He handed me the card.
“ The doc said it was my time to take a sleep and rest, don’t worry my friend will help u”. saying this he prepared himself for the nap, I stared into the card and walked out of the room some woman’s name was printed in block letter’s and so was the name of the organization she was running.
I stopped myself in front of the PCO and dialed the no shown on the card, the lady whose name was written on the card answered me. The moment I told her my name she never allowed me to speak again.
What then I heard from her was full of promises about my son’s future, for a moment I thought I was speaking to god, I gave her my address n she told she will come to my home today itself to c my son. I hung the phone with outmost satisfaction. My heart was filled with joy, my whole body was experiencing a new joyness, I could feel the blood rushing into my lungs like never before, I found the people in front of my eyes disappearing a strong white light was now filling the space where I was standing, it was not so late before I could understand what it was I know I had another heart attack and this time I knew I was going to die,but atleast now I could die happily.
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